Sucker For Punishment
by jones2000
Summary: Mike Newton would be the first person to say that he has a crap taste in women, and no matter how hard he tries to get away, all roads lead back to Forks. But when he gets warned to stay away from 'her', is it Bella or someone else entirely?
1. Too Good For You

I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.  
_- Douglas Adams_

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* * *

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Mike was dreaming.

Well, part of him was pretty certain he was. Some people he knew would probably take it as evidence that he was about to have a complete nervous breakdown.

You see, for some reason Mike was sitting in a greenhouse with Tom Cruise, drinking wheatgrass.

"But I don't even like Tom Cruise." He exclaimed in surprise.

"Don't hate the game, hate the player." Said the monkey on his knee, taking another drag from his cigarette.

"Beware an idle march!" The monkey shrieked. "Don't give a blind man a sharpened stick! Reality is frequently inaccurate. If you can't cope with that, it's _your_ problem!"

He clapped his hands over his ears.

"But I don't even _like_ Tom Cruise!"

He woke up. For a moment he just lay in bed staring up at the ceiling fan. In his sleep-addled state, part of him half expected that evil monkey bastard to jump out of the wardrobe and start throwing shoes at his prone form. After a moment, he rolled out of bed.

"_Ow_!"

Okay, the floor is _hard_. _Remember that for further reference._ After a moment, Mike managed to pull his legs from the sheets that had somehow tangled themselves in knots around his waist, and clawed his way out of the bedroom.

What he beheld could be summed up in two words.

"Holy shit."

Mike had known Eric was determined to hold an end-of-semester party, but the house looked like an explosion had hit it. He raked a hand through his hair exasperatedly, suddenly fully awake. And a bit pissed off. Did he _want_ the landlord to kick them out? Mike took another tentative step forward.

And his bare foot squished into a half-eaten pizza.

"Good _God!_"

Cheese. Between toes. Tomato sauce. On the carpet. "I am gonna _kill_ him!" Mike aimed a frustrated kick at a pile of rubbish in the corner.

The rubbish moaned. And after a moment, sat up.

Eric stared up at him with bleary eyes. "Hey, Mikey." He said. He was bare-chested and a giant novelty tie hung around his neck. He also looked slightly stoned. Somewhere at the end of their teenage years, Eric Yorkie had tapped into a previously undiscovered well of testosterone, suddenly shooting upwards and filling out. And apparently saw the onset of good looks as an excuse to be an ass.

"Are you _high_?" Mike demanded. "What the hell do you think you're doing? _I _pay the rent. _I_ buy the food. Can't you be a bit _responsible_?" Even as he said it, Mike felt like swallowing his tongue. The words made him sound like he should be wearing a muumuu and have his hair in curlers.

Eric stumbled drunkenly to his feet. "You sound like my mom. Dude, 's'all good."

It was like having an argument with a brick.

* * *

They were at the coffee shop that all the college students seemed to frequent at one time or another. All young people deserved their very own coffee shop to hang out, Mike decided. It was one of the things that TV got right.

"So, was it the dream with the hobbit, the cowboy and the bearded lady?" Eric asked innocently. "No, the one with the evil monkey, huh?"

"I'm not discussing this with you. I never should have mentioned anything."

"I'm a psyche graduate. I'm qualified to say 'hmm' and charge you a fee for asking you questions that your mother asks for free."

Angela Weber gave a faint smile. "You know, what we could have here is your subconsciousness trying to work through a problem. Or... the monkey symbolises how you feel everyone takes you for granted and you're being emasculated by society."

Eric laughed.

"Excuse me?" Mike stared at her, now absolutely certain that it had been a bad idea to bring any of this up. "What the hell does that even mean?"

Angela just shrugged. "It means whatever you want it to mean," She said evasively, and Mike frowned.

"Isn't that a little open-ended? _It means whatever I want it to mean._" His brow furrowed. _There is nothing more annoying than philosophy students._ "Do you automatically pass your exams when you turn up on the day because you _believe_ you deserve to?"

"That's not far off." Angela swirled the last of her coffee around the Styrofoam cup. "Through the principles of what I've been taught, I can theoretically prove that my lecturers don't exist." She said this with a hint of pride.

"And all this is one great delusion of Hell I'm having." Mike said dryly.

Her head bobbed side to side, considering. "Well, if you look at it that way-" She began.

"Hold up. New girl on campus." Eric stood up, staring over the heads of the people seated sipping their drinks, shielding his eyes from the glare of the artificial light.

"Dude, put a leash on that libido. It's embarrassing."

She was kind of cute, Mike supposed, with black hair in a slightly ragged crop and freckles across her nose.

"Just off the bus from a cornfield in Kansas, you reckon?"

"Shut up, Eric." Angela and Mike said at the same time. Mike looked up in time to see Dan Lord crossing toward the new girl, with his typical strut and self-assured smirk firmly in place. He cringed as he watched Dan approach her, suddenly thinking of an oily man in a loud suit going up to a schoolgirl straight off a bus from Iowa.

_Now what's a beautiful thing like you doing all alone?_

A decision was reached in a split second. "Be back in a minute," He muttered to his friends. Jamming his hands in his pockets, Mike casually walked over to them in time to hear Dan's opening line.

"I know I don't have a chance, but I just wanted to hear an angel talk."

Mike wrinkled his nose. He was optimistic, but even he wasn't _that_ optimistic to believe that line would work._ Dude, Edward Cullen you ain't. _

The new girl's expression went from neutral to amused to shocked as she realised that Dan was deadly serious. Her eyes darted around quickly, like that of a cornered animal looking for an escape.

"So, you're new in town?"

_No, duh,_ said the girl's eyes. "I guess." She said evasively.

"I'm Dan, the go-to guy for beautiful women around here. _Any_ service you need I will be happy to oblige."

Something told Mike he wasn't talking about window washing.

"Swell." Her brow twitched.

"Hey, there." Mike chose that moment to elbow his way in past Dan. "I see the Welcome Wagon has already got to you. Poor old Danny. He's enthusiastic, but, you know..." He rotated a finger around his ear, the universal sign for loopy.

Dan looked like he didn't know what to say at first. And then that great ugly mug twisted into a sneer. "Back off, Pee Wee." Behind Dan at Mike's table, Eric was standing up again. _You're going to die,_ he mouthed. Mike ignored them both and turned back to the new girl.

"I'm Mike. Mike Newton."

"I'm Audrey Reed."

_Score!_

Now completely elbowing Dan out of the conversation, Mike inclined his head to her. "Well, Audrey, let me be the first among the student body to welcome you to our fine institution. Perhaps you'd like to join me for some celebratory fries?"

"That's really nice of you to offer." Immediately Mike's heart plunged. Translation: _You're coming on just as strong as the other guy, only a little more needy instead of creepy._ "But I've got some things to do."_ You're both weirding me out._ "I'll see you around, okay Mike?"_ I'm using your name to make me seem friendly, but in reality I'm memorising it so I can avoid you._

Audrey Reed smiled politely before continuing on her way, whatever that was.

Dan Lord snorted. "Real smooth." His voice dripped with disdain.

"I didn't exactly hear _you_ composing sonnets." Mike snapped back. "What's the deal, Danny? Working on expanding your harem?"

"You are _so_ heading for a bitch-slap."

"I might like that." He smiled smugly. Dan levelled a finger at his face and stood there for a few minutes with his mouth open before realising that he couldn't think of a witty comeback. Mike could almost see the gears whirring in his brain. With a small shake of his head, Mike left to finish the rest of his coffee while Dan was still trying to think of the perfect comeback.

It really wasn't fun to match wits with an unarmed opponent.

"What up?" Eric asked. "Not dead yet? No drawn swords? No pistols at ten paces?"

Mike gave him a look. "This is Dan Lord. He probably hasn't realised I've left yet." He drained his cup before glancing at his watch. "I've got to get going."

"Going home for Christmas?" Angela asked. Mike nodded.

"Mom..." He said, and she gave him a sympathetic look. After giving Angela a quick hug and Eric an affectionate slap over the back of the head, Mike headed out to his car, ready to begin the long journey home.

The rain increased as he drew closer to Forks. There was probably a reason for the crazy weather, but whatever. He was close to the turnoff to Forks when he spotted it. A splash of colour against the grey background.

A small bright blue hatchback was pulled over to the side of the road. As Mike watched, a small female figure with dark hair dragged a spare tyre out of the back compartment. After a moment's thought, he pulled over beside her and stepped out into the rain.

"Hi."

Audrey Reed looked up. She pushed back her damp hair and gave a cautious little smile. Mike guessed that she was one of those girls whose mothers had said time and again that boys were only after one thing. He jammed his hands in the pockets of his coat.

"You want a hand?"

She looked him up and down, sizing him up. He mustn't have looked _quite _like a psycho serial killer, because some of the tension in her brow lifted and she surrendered the spare to him.

"Dude, knock yourself out." Audrey invited, handing him her wheel spanner. Mike swallowed before taking off his jacket and rolling up his sleeves. Heavy machinery, hand tools, DIY and a pretty girl. All the ingredients to either impress or make a complete boob of himself. For a moment Mike hesitated, and sliced open his thumb while trying to jack up the car.

He swore, and heard a quickly stifled giggle behind him. _Boob it is, then._

After grunting and cursing his way through several frustratingly long minutes, Mike finally had the wheel off. Now to heft the spare tyre in place and do all the nuts back up, tight enough that Audrey wouldn't have to worry about her wheel coming off... The rain had soaked right through his shirt and jeans, and the occasional cold breeze caused his hand to tremor involuntarily and bang against the wheel arch. Needless to say, he was now in a foul mood.

On the other hand, Audrey looked perfectly cheerful that she didn't have to change a tyre in the rain, if a little guilty for exploiting the kindness of a stranger.

Finally the damn thing was on. With an exalted feeling, Mike leaned back to admire his handiwork. He smoothed his wet hair back from his forehead and slipped back into his jacket, which turned out to not be a very good idea as his wet shirt immediately soaked into the lining.

"There we go."

"My hero," The tone was sarcastic, but the bright smile was heartfelt. Audrey's eyes were a bright grass green, something he hadn't really noticed before. Mike felt his face grow hot and he rubbed the back of his neck, adverting his gaze.

"So, do you have family in Forks?"

"Naw. Sometimes I like to get out. Just go for a drive." She tucked a strand of black hair behind her ear. "You meet the nicest people. And everybody else." Those bright eyes sparkled and a small cheeky grin kicked up the corner of her mouth.

"Hey!"Mike's eyebrows rose. Her smile widened and his annoyance evaporated in an instant.

"I'll see you around, Mike." It wasn't like last time. She meant it. Immediately Mike decided he liked her. She was the only girl he'd really ever encountered who treated him as an equal. He was never good enough for Bella Swan, Jessica used him like a mobile coat rack, and even Angela had a too-smart-for-you vibe going on.

Audrey Reed beeped her horn at him in farewell and Mike lifted his hand to wave. Her taillights were red smudges on the horizon when he realised that, like the idiot he was, he had completely forgotten to ask for her number.

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**AN: I know I have other stories to complete, but I just felt like getting this out of my system. Yes, unlike my other Twilight stuff, this one is actually serious. It seems you either love or hate Mike, and I'm proud to stand as one of the few Mike lovers. **


	2. Stay Away From Her

Going home to Forks felt a bit like voluntarily going back to prison.

Newton Olympic Outfitters seemed to be going reasonably well for such a gloomy day. His mom made a point of selling coats when it was cold and shorts when it was hot, unlike the stores in the cities where you couldn't buy a scarf in winter because they were busy getting their next-season clothing out early.

A bell tinkled as he stepped over the threshold. Inwardly Mike cringed and hoped Maggie wasn't on today. The woman was nice enough, but it simply wasn't cool to be hit on someone only a few years younger than your mother, no matter what the cougar-obsessed media said.

"Hi, Mike."_ Thank God._ It was Jenny. Jenny was tall and statuesque with long blonde hair that cascaded down over her shoulders. Coupled with a quirky sense of humour and a razor wit, she was _exactly_ the type of girl Mike would have hit on. Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, it was common knowledge that Jenny didn't swing that way.

No one said it, but everyone suspected that it was one of the reasons she was hired. Mrs Newton was adamant that Mike not have any romantic connections with her employees, wishful thinking notwithstanding, after the disaster that was Bella Swan.

"Good morning, Jennifer. Might I say you're looking stunning today?"

"You might. But then I'd have to report you for harassment." She grinned and raised an eyebrow. "You're awfully chipper today."

"Merely the sight of your face is enough to brighten my day."

"Look, he's a poet and he didn't know it." They both smiled. With one last wave, Mike's hand closed around the staff room door handle.

Immediately his mother shrieked.

"Out!" Karen Newton levelled a finger at him.

"What?" Bemused, Mike took a step back.

"Look! You've tracked mud through my store! Outside!"

"But it's raining!" Mike protested.

"Go and wipe your feet and then mop up." She thrust the mop into his hands and Mike's mouth twisted wryly. He was home, all right.

Jenny grinned wickedly, but mercifully stayed silent as Mike trudged back to the door, scraped his boots, and spent the next ten minutes mopping mud off the linoleum. Only after he had carefully put the mop away did Karen enfold her damp and slightly smelly son in her arms.

This would be the third Christmas since Mike's dad had taken off with his accountant. When Mike had been accepted into Peninsula College on a scholarship, his father had called to give him a long spiel about how proud he was, how much of an asset the world was getting, and how, now he was a man, he had to fight his own fights and not back down if the going got tough.

Mike almost choked on the hypocrisy.

The Newton family home looked like something out of a Christmas catalogue where all the kids were rosy-cheeked and Christmas dinner was the perfect gentile affair. Even the stockings were, as the poem said, hung by the chimney with care. Only two. _Karen. Michael._

His mom noticed him looking.

"Just us this year, kiddo."

Mike hugged her again. Karen had always over-compensated since his dad left, but how was he supposed to tell her that?

* * *

Maybe the last three years of college had broadened his horizons, but somehow Forks seemed smaller and more insular than ever before.

Mike was trudging back to his car laden down with bags of groceries when someone called his name.

"Mike!"

A dark figure was waving at him from across the street, bobbing up and down on her heels. He squinted at her a moment before looking away quickly, hoping he could just get to his car and leave the multitude of awkward confrontations coming his way until at least his second week in Forks.

Alas, he never seemed to be able to catch a break.

Suddenly she was behind him. He'd swear he'd never seen her move. "Didn't you hear me call?"

He met her eyes reluctantly. _Her eyes... what on earth...? _

"Hi, Bella." He said somewhat stiffly. _Bella Cullen, _he reminded himself snarkily, _us mere mortals were never good enough for her._

And lo and behold, Edward was there, as though he had caught Mike's thought. Mike really tried to look friendly as Bella hugged him, feeling awkward as groceries weighed down his arms. He tried to look calm and relaxed as Edward Cullen looked at him as though he might just take a bite out of his throat. It was somehow much harder to do it now than it had been when they were all back in high school.

"Are you home for Christmas?"

"Yeah." He tried for nonchalant, and missed.

She practically glowed. "That's great!" She enthused. _Enthused? The old Bella wasn't enthusiastic about anything! What the hell is going on here? _"I know, we should get some of the old gang together, and go to the movies or something."

_The old gang?_ The Bella _he_ knew was nowhere near this perky, and it kind of frightened him. Suddenly Mike just had to get away, away from the cold stare of Cullen, and away from Bella's weird, weird eyes.

"Um, I'll call you. You probably know where to find me anyway. I just gotta... go." He lifted a bag, indicating the groceries. Bella raised an eyebrow like she was noticing his parcels for the first time and broke into another decidedly creepy, porcelain-doll-like smile.

"I'll see you around some time."

For a moment he watched her go, and saw a young girl with bouncy bronze curls reach out for her hand. The girl looked back across the street at Mike before smiling brightly and waving. Mike gave a small grin and raised a baggage-laden hand in return. Other family members joined them.

_Do these people travel in packs?_

The girl said something and Edward and Bella laughed. Mike sighed and continued on to his car.

He was almost to his car and had even popped the boot open when seemingly on cue one of the shopping bags split open, sending potatoes, apples and a lettuce tumbling across the tarmac. Mike swallowed a curse, acutely aware of the Cullens' eyes still upon him, silently judging. Edward gave a quickly stifled derisive chuckle. For a moment he felt like turning back to them and flinging his arms wide, _come take a look at the uncoordinated pasty human here for your entertainment. Isn't he pathetic?_

_Don't get angry there's no point getting angry it'll just amuse them even more-_

"Mike?"

The dark cloud that had gathered seemed to dissipate as he looked up to see Audrey Reed looking down on him. Wordlessly she stepped down into the gutter beside him, stretching out a freckled arm to retrieve the lettuce.

As the Cullen family watched, the two of them packed the shopping into the back of Mike's car.

"Thanks, Audrey." Mike stood.

"Hold on, one more," Audrey said matter-of-factly, sticking her head underneath the back of his car. After a moment she emerged triumphantly holding a rather small and sad-looking apple. "Ta da." Mike's solemn face broke into a grin as she handed it to him with a flourish.

Their fingers brushed lightly together as he took the fruit from her.

The urgently whispering Cullens were now relegated to the back of Mike's mind. There was a gorgeous girl in front of him, who had stopped to help when he goofed and seemed to genuinely like him. Suddenly it didn't matter that Bella, the object of his teenage infatuation, was standing only on the other side of the street.

"My hero," Mike smiled back at her.

Audrey ran her tongue over her teeth, contemplating something. Mike's hand was on the door latch when she asked him something that knocked him speechless.

"Do you want to go to the movies some time?"

Mike's eyebrows rose. She was looking at him expectantly and for a moment he genuinely had no idea how to react. "I... um-"

"Don't jump to answer in the affirmative," She cocked an eyebrow.

"Okay. Alright, already. Don't pressure me, woman."

Audrey grinned. The freckles and bright green eyes gave her an unsullied beauty that was refreshing.

"So... when are you available?"

"Really? _Available_? That's your line?"

"Well, for all I know, for a beautiful girl like you, I have to make an appointment and wait in line."

She shook her head hopelessly. "You are incredibly-"

"Charming?" Mike grinned. "Witty?"

"Cheesy. Incredibly, impossibly cheesy." But Audrey was smiling as she said it. "I'm free tonight, if you're up for it."

Mike's eyebrows rose. "I think I can manage it," He said, his voice an octave higher than it should have been. "Where and when do you want me to pick you up?"

"Well, I'm staying at the Forks Motel, on Highway 101. I'm in Unit 2."

"Yeah, I know it." _Even if I didn't know it, I'd find it._

"How about seven? We can catch a movie and get a bite to eat."

"Sounds good." Those two words did not adequately sum up his enthusiasm. "I'll see you."

"See you." With a small wave, Audrey walked down the street. Mike watched her go, a stupid grin on his face. As he lost sight of her, he shook his head, shaking out the stupid notions that had begun to take root, crashing back to earth. He had learned the hard way that gorgeous, smart girls were only ever interested in him when they wanted something. Jessica Stanley in point. She was still a great friend, but while they were dating she was a tremendous strain on his bank balance.

Mike slipped into the driver's seat and was about to buckle his seatbelt when there was a heavy thump on the top of his car. His head snapped up.

Cullen's sister was standing outside his window, the little dark-haired one. Alice. Wasn't her name Alice? Mike had always thought of her as the nicest of the Cullens.

Apparently not now.

Alice Cullen was staring at him with those strange-coloured eyes as if she could set him on fire with her glare alone. Suddenly Mike felt like he could be in danger.

"Can I help you?" The politeness reflex his mother had forced into him kicked in, and Mike could have slapped himself.

Alice's expression didn't change. After a moment she spoke, her words coming out in a low hiss.

"You stay away from her."

"What?" Mike gripped the steering wheel tightly.

"You stay away from her or I'll hurt you." It should have been a ludicrous threat from someone so small, but Mike believed every word she said.

"What, Bella?" He was confused, completely and utterly. He may have been a lot of things, but he wasn't exactly about to steal another man's wife. "I-"

"You should leave town now."

She said this with the air of someone who was used to having her orders being obeyed. And it pissed him off.

"Screw you." Mike snapped.

For a moment the words hung between them in a cloud of steam. The only hint that the words had hit their mark was a small quirk in her eyebrows. Mike swallowed. The car door was between them, but right at that moment it genuinely looked like Alice could have walked through the car to throttle him.

"You have no idea what you're going to do."

He ignored her. "Listen, lady, I grew up here. You're not going to scare me away." Well, it was partly true. He was scared, but was not going to let the Cullens bully him out of his own damn _town._ "I have _no idea _what you're trying to do or what you're talking about. Maybe you should up your meds."

And with that Mike turned the key in the ignition and pulled away from the curb, leaving the Cullen sister glaring daggers into the back of his head.


End file.
